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Dear Santa

mywifeknowseverythin
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mywifeknowseverythin Grand Master

mywifeknowseverythin

Posted
Posted

deer Santa:

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.

Yer Frend,

BiLLy

Dear Billy,

Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I

send you a frigging book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving

your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!

Santa

Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and

joy in the world for everybody!

Love,

Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

Santa

Dear Santa,

I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy

and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.

Love,

Teddy

Dear Teddy,

Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane.

Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid, fat mom,

who rides his as* constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get

you some nice Legos instead. Maybe you can build yourself a family with

those?

Santa

Dear Santa,

I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum

kit, a pony and a tuba.

Love,

Francis

Dear Francis,

Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.

Santa

Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your

reindeer outside the back door.

Love,

Susan

Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the sh*** and carrots make the deer fart in my face when

riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Two words: Jim Beam.

Santa

Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?

Your friend,

Thomas

Dear Thomas,

All the toys are made by little kids like you in China . Every year I give

them a slice of bread as a Christmas bonus. I have a condo in Vegas, where

I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking

myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing

money at the craps table.

Santa

P.S. Tell your mom she got the part.

Dear Santa,

Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're

awake, like in the song?

Love,

Jessica

Dear Jessica,

Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm

skipping your house.

Santa

Dear Santa,

I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE

PLEASE could I have one?

Timmy

Timmy,

That whiney begging sh** may work with your folks, but that crap

doesn't work with me. You're getting an ugly sweater again.

Santa

Dearest Santa,

We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?

Love,

Marky

Mark,

First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your

as* kicked at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in

a low-rent, ghetto apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad

just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.

Santa

  • 4 years later...
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